early morning thoughts and...

I wrote this early this morning on SG ~

Cuz asked me, in a PM, if I was glad Duncan was home...

Yes, but...

I can see the phenobarb levels build up in him... he is having more and more trouble walking, esp. on the uneven grass and our tile floors ~ his Proin tabs don't seem to be controlling his urinary incontinence at all anymore ( the PB makes him excessively thirsty, so that doesn't help) ~ and he's been having some severe respiratory depression when he sleeps (breathing only 8 - 12 times/ min ). I was up half the night last night listening ~ terrified he would just stop breathing.

I don't know if I can do this. Half the time he looks around like he's never seen this place before, esp. if he's just woken up. That's not him. His sight and hearing is getting worse every day ~ tumor or PB?

When he IS here, he is still my sweet baby boy ~ following me around like a puppy, wanting lots of face time (kisses), being utterly adorable. But that's happening less and less. The PB makes him SO lethargic.

Its only going to get worse. And that's not counting all the side effects to be expected from the radiation. I don't even want to go into all that right now...

If this were about me, I would say "NO MORE." Am I selfish to want to keep him with me longer... go for it all? Or am I selfish in not wanting to prolong a slow deterioration ~ to just let nature take her course?

I feel like I'm being torn in two

Then this afternoon...

How did I know?

Duncan can barely walk this morning, and he is in pain...

He was having trouble walking first thing this morning when he came out for breakfast, really dragging him left front foot (kind of walking on his knuckle. ) And when he would try to just sit, that front foot kept sliding out to the side ~ he had very little control of it.
He ate fine, then came back into my bedroom. When I got up a bit later, and he tried to follow me, he was still knuckling the left front foot, and the other 3 legs were very unsteady and weak. We also noticed that when we tried to move him, he would yelp in pain.

Me, being the calm, cool, professional nurse that I am, immediately burst into tears.

Calls to WSU, calls to our local vet...

We already know he has a lot of bony spinal cord impingement (age related) ~ could the tumor be making it worse? Had the tumor gotten into the part of the brain responsible for gait/co-ordination? (but that wouldn't explain the pain) Or had the ataxia (drunken walking) from the damn PB caused his leg to slip out, causing a shoulder sprain/stain? (that's my guess) Who the hell knows?

Our vet gave him a shot of steroids (non-baseball kind!) and we have him crated now to restrict him movement.

We'll still be taking him over to the east side tomorrow...

SGers ~ sorry about the duplication, but no way can I write it up new..

We've now taken the top off the crate ~ he is making NO effort to get up and move. We carried him outside to piddle; he could barely get to his feet.